Solemnly sitting
with custom disguises
that are hidden in napkins
neatly folded over knees.

Hand holding
lip locking
nervously twitching
with
half smiles
and
broken sentences.

Looking down
onto
chipped polish
and
flushed faces
buttons popped off t shirts
exposing open holes
like secret passage ways.

Somehow making your mind
stop time.
and changing thought patterns
that are moving distances
from
where you once stood.

colour schemes.

Feelings of being beautiful
taken away
always on the outside
wishing I could be
something better.

Make shift memories
skewed visions of reality
I thought I could
I thought I was different.

Moments hit
time pending bruises
never totally giving up
their colour schemes.

Waiting for me to realize
waiting for me to
step inside
and finally shed
the weight.

mirror images.

Wrong sides of time
awkwardly waiting
for warning signs.

Always watching
word for word
they
mouthed your thoughts
back to you
perfectly
from
across the room.

Heart beats
set into a
panic,
backbones
pushed inside
corners.

Bodies
sliding further
down,
endless
staircases...

Visions are fading,
memories interchanging
until
the light
floods in again...

Waking you up
with
damp faces
and
blank stares.

Ghost Horses.

Broken horses
endless
long
winding
trails.

Time elapsed
in your
thought
process
distant
obsessions
come
to
light.

Truth
erodes
in the
form
of old rust
on fences.

Left behind
undesired
by
the sunlight.

Only visible
to those
riding
ghost horses,
broken horses...

Galloping
through
the streams
and hallow
paths.

Hiding
under
stairwells.

Feelings of
being
invisible

Lost in the
masses
of the
ivory
tower.

Beneath it all
questions ponder
a meaning
or purpose
a secret
desire.

Leaving traces
behind...
memories
living inside minds...
wanting someone
to remember
we existed...

Our intentions
shaped us
all for
unknown
reasons.

Always pretending
we believed
in something.

Heart broken
thoughts
imprisoned
only...

The sadness comes
from knowing that
i never loved you
it was all in my head...

Not a great fairy tale
to pass on
for generations.

A false reality
excepted our fate
to be apart...

Wondering
souls
lost in
the shadows.

False Realities....

We all wanted to pretend
that we were something more...
laughing...
smiling...
kissing...
under the stars.

presumptuous situations
obvious intentions
heart beats
racing
until
the sun rises again...

left alone
our minds
wonder
great distances.

Thinking time...
thinking moments are real...
I was just an illusion.

saturday night. (09.05.11)

unexplained bruises.
the loss,
or recollection.
an excuse
to stay in bed
again.

I had so much
to say
under my breath
as you walked
away...

cold thick air.

House's all aligned on fire,
follow me there.
maybe someday
you too
will rise to the occasion.

A soft embrace
of cold thick air.
Deep cold breaths
inhaled.

A bare scarce road
to afraid to move past
the dead end signs.

I thought
I saw you there
once.

Make sure they know
I believed in you...

Perfection... (01.19.09)

Seeking perfection..
Desperately seeking perfection..
I have lost myself in the shuffle..
alone in my room 
I sit and anticipate
the madness to start all over again...

My heart broke once
I heard it shatter
one million pieces
separated and scattered.

 I dream at night and wake up in a panic..
heart pounding
thoughts racing
check the time..
fuck....
this nightmare is a reality.

I wore my mask to protect you..
don't hurt me..
keep my safe..
don't be as scared as I am.
because I couldn't love you anymore..
than I do now. i do now.

Bored with a broken heart. (03.15.09)

Running through my mind 
all the time
looking back, take a breath, jump in
brain enclosed
no one knows
how long it took to get here
heart pounding.............
eyes closed..
face damp
cheeks like dams
catches your fear
keeps me safe from danger..eyes closed..
face damp
cheeks like dams
catches your fear
keeps me safe
from danger..

Best. Weekend. Ever....

BOY TANK

THANKSGIVE'R

BEST WEEKEND EVER

SITTING ON THE STREET 

DRINKING CEASERS

PRETENDING, REALIZING

NOTHING MATTERS

EXTERNAL, INTERNAL

HAPPINESS DISCOVERED

SEVEN DOLLAR'S, HOMELESS PARTNERS

BANJO'S STRUMMING

TATTOO'S OF ANCHORS

VODKA, WHISKEY...

SHOTS OF JAGER

PEEING IN THE BED

CAUSES GAGGERS

SPILLING OUT ON WALMART STREET...

YOU ARE WHO I WANT TO BE AROUND

FOREVER...VODKA, WHISKEY...

SHOTS OF JAGER

PEEING IN THE BED

CAUSES GAGGERS

SPILLING OUT ON WALMART STREET...

YOU ARE WHO I WANT TO BE AROUND

FOREVER...

subtitles.

MINDS MANIPULATING

MANIFESTING INTO THOUGHTS

OUTSIDE OF OUR OWN HEAD

LEAVING OUR BODIES

CONSUMED AND STRANDED.

Strands of words that fill our heads.

Enjoying the moments,
when the sun rays are dancing on my face.
A second glance to the outside world.
Feeling content with a coffee cup in hand,
time to sit still.
Tired of racing through moments,
wanting to watch the wind move through the branches,
Secret desires to feel the grass under bare feet.
Appreciating the moments I get to experience.
Being happy I am aware.
Being happy those moments are my serenity.
My everything.

moving through. healing moments.

Writing has always been my serenity.
finding solace in silence,
The feeling when you put your pen down
and your fingers are numb fills me with peace.
Knowing that for only moments
My brain is completely occupied
on self and creating instead of consuming.
Throughout the years I have learned to hide,
emotions and experiences in the pages of my notebooks.
I have unlocked hidden realities within each page,
truly a way to cope with my past.
The guilt of feeling so good was hard for me,
the guilt of maybe I have not suffered enough
was apparent in between the lines.
Let go.
Breathe.
move on.

ice.

Messages on Mirrors
Staring blankly at windows, 
without curtains.
Words drop, lines pop... 
like heart beats when your sad.
Out of your head.
into my bed.
Ill take you,
even though your broken.

"the beginning"..." the dark years" cliche I know...

I didn't really remember that moment.
The one that shapes you
The one that mows the paths,
For which you wander for the rest of your life.
That moment that hides in the shadows,
that is unsure if it really wants to be discovered or seen.
That moment that you build your future relationships and values upon.
That moment that can change your life forever.
I always knew I was different.
I always knew, but I didn't know why.

Looking through old notebooks,
flipping through the pages of my past,
my heart began to race.
The beginning...
The messages were kind
I spoke lovingly about my family and my freedom.
I was born with a fight inside of me.
Words went from tittles of
love,
serenity,
freedom
to
powerless,
inside
fear...

Seeing the words spilled out
messily on paper,
tear drops and torn pages.
Constantly searching for answers,
never feeling content.
the puzzle pieces began to fit
the rest of my life started to make sense.

I could not see outside of my own head.
They chose my voice.
no words were spoken,
An object with no name.
My pen and paper,
my only serenity
to get away in my own head.

No one really knew
how bad it was.
searching for something,
to fill this hole, this void.
This time I got away. .