moving through. healing moments.

Writing has always been my serenity.
finding solace in silence,
The feeling when you put your pen down
and your fingers are numb fills me with peace.
Knowing that for only moments
My brain is completely occupied
on self and creating instead of consuming.
Throughout the years I have learned to hide,
emotions and experiences in the pages of my notebooks.
I have unlocked hidden realities within each page,
truly a way to cope with my past.
The guilt of feeling so good was hard for me,
the guilt of maybe I have not suffered enough
was apparent in between the lines.
Let go.
Breathe.
move on.

ice.

Messages on Mirrors
Staring blankly at windows, 
without curtains.
Words drop, lines pop... 
like heart beats when your sad.
Out of your head.
into my bed.
Ill take you,
even though your broken.

"the beginning"..." the dark years" cliche I know...

I didn't really remember that moment.
The one that shapes you
The one that mows the paths,
For which you wander for the rest of your life.
That moment that hides in the shadows,
that is unsure if it really wants to be discovered or seen.
That moment that you build your future relationships and values upon.
That moment that can change your life forever.
I always knew I was different.
I always knew, but I didn't know why.

Looking through old notebooks,
flipping through the pages of my past,
my heart began to race.
The beginning...
The messages were kind
I spoke lovingly about my family and my freedom.
I was born with a fight inside of me.
Words went from tittles of
love,
serenity,
freedom
to
powerless,
inside
fear...

Seeing the words spilled out
messily on paper,
tear drops and torn pages.
Constantly searching for answers,
never feeling content.
the puzzle pieces began to fit
the rest of my life started to make sense.

I could not see outside of my own head.
They chose my voice.
no words were spoken,
An object with no name.
My pen and paper,
my only serenity
to get away in my own head.

No one really knew
how bad it was.
searching for something,
to fill this hole, this void.
This time I got away. .